work,, stress,, life.. the band

so yesterday I went back to work for the first time in a fortnight.... I don't think that I mentioned before that I went to Perth not only for my brother's wedding but because my brother is terminally ill... I have been having a hard time dealing with this fact too so decided while I was over there that I would stay on a few extra days and didn't return to work on the Wednesday as I had originally informed my work I would. I did contact them on the Monday before to advise why I wasn't coming back and to see if they could find a replacement to attend the training that I was organised to attend... all which was ok at the time... I asked them to ring if there was any problem and I would have come home earlier... no call.... so I came home on friday and then saturday came down with shocking stomach virus... no jokes... still feeling sick today nearly a week on... but I went into work yesterday (an additional day to what I normally work) and wasn't feeling great still but I thought I should make the effort so I did... all was ok till my manager wanted to have a cross over.... during which time he decided to tell me that it wasn't ok that I stayed on in Perth and that he was concerned with my leave... it was at this time that I started to feel cramps, sick and angry... I was angry because he didn't contact me and tell me it wasn't ok to stay on in Perth, I am angry also because I wasn't feeling great yet here I was at work listening to him telling me that Its not cool that I've been sick...

I have to be honest and say that in the last 2 years I have had more leave than anyone else in our office. In saying that I must also add that I've had some pretty significant issues going on that have added to this leave including my gran passing, going through extensive custody battle of my partners children including their mother taking them from us for several weeks and trying to get the courts and police to recover them, my daughter being sick with several viruses when she was under 2, my partner going to Hospital for golden staf infection, my mother being sick with bi polar and having to stay with me and me having to help her through getting treatment, my brother being ill and then theres me... I pick up every virus, flu, tonsilitis etc. I believe that my weight has something to do with that but for a long time my doctor thought I had a thyroid problem.... anyway this is one of the reasons that I want the band... to try and reduce illness...

I know that I am sick all the time... I know that I've had alot of family problems outside of work that are impacting on me attending work... but I don't know how to change that.. I have started to see a social worker through work... she was really supportive and said that I should keep just doing what I can because I have extraordinary issues and I am doing the best I can right now... thats how I feel too...

So I cut back my hours at work to 3 days to relieve some of the pressure... mind you its taken them 3 months to replace the other 2 days work that I do with someone so i've still been doing 5 days in the 3 days that I'm there which has been full on...

that pissed me off when my manager made a comment that things have gotten behind because I haven' tbeen here... fark.... of course they have cause I only work 3 days now...

I am angry. upset. devestated... sad.. I truly am doing my dream job... to an extent one that I created for myself... I just don't know how to address the problems in my life and work.

I have to say that I understand where my work is coming from... they want results results results... but in terms of committment and results I have pulled off 3 big events, had positive media coverage, worked alot of overtime and not been paid for it, done work from home, taken calls from them on my days off and not been paid for it... I have contributed to my work significantly but all they see is how much leave I've had.

I am unsure how to proceed from here... mind you I utterly embarrassed myself yesterday by telling my boss how I was 'actually' feeling... I told him that I felt that over the past 2 years I was constantly being attacked about my leave, that I felt that I had contributed alot but knew that I had alot of leave, that I was an absolute team player and never complained about doing work from home or working additional hours for no pay and proceeded to get so upset that I just cried through it all... personally I just wanted to tell him to go fuck himself,,, fuck off out of my face but knew that wouldn't get me anywhere...

I still don't know how to address the issue to be honest...

anyway thats my spiel for the day...