its been a while!!

well it has been a few weeks like 5 maybe since my last post... I have had some computer probs and have been unable to access my blog and I also didn't want to as well... I felt like the whole banding situation and reading other people's blogs were consuming my every thought...

anyway all good now... I am 6 weeks post band... no serious problems no PBs as they say, eating well, healthy and haven't succumbed to drinking alcohol or chips, lollies etc over xmas period which I am quite happy with myself about...

I've lost 12.5kg so far... My specialist is happy with that. I am feeling great about myself...

the biggest challenge i've had is blood pressure which seems to be going up and down, the doctor is hoping that with more loss the blood pressure will go down and be more regular. I have to let him know my readings tomorrow and he may or may not begin to treat me... scary thing is if i had not had the band done I would not have known I had high blood pressure...

my other challenge is just the fact that I have the band... it really freaks me out some days... I get scared that I have this foreign object inside of me... but I wouldn't change having it for the moment. I now understand that I needed some help to curb my excessive eating and excessive it was now that I realise how much I was eating... and the crap that I was putting into my body.

I also have a healthier attitude towards doing a little exercise... I've been walking each nite after dinner... just 15-30mins... its been great for me... and the kids who love getting out and about.

well thats my update... i hope to touch base with all of you I haven't msg for a few weeks etc.

merry xmas and happy new year to all...
Crista

I'm back YO!

Well I must update... Had the op all went fine, no problems... got home just had a lot of nausea and dizzyness... went back to the hospital and they gave me something to treat the nausea and sent me home... all weekend I was suffering, still alot of pain and nausea... went back on monday and got readmitted into hospital until yesterday... apparently I was dehydrated, uric acid levels were slightly high and then I started getting high blood pressure... so they kept me in... I was feeling alot better by yesterday, no pain, few headaches that I associate with only being on liquid stuff and adjusting to no food but generally in good spirits.. but they were concerned about my blood pressure... so I've been sent home and hired an electronic monitor that I have to test myself for a week throughout the day and report the results to a cardiologist specialist... since I have been home though my blood pressure has dropped significantly back to normal so I am unsure if it was due to being overwhelmed by the surgery, pain, exhaustion, stress, laying in bed for a week and being in hospital etc...

other than that I am ok.. have lost 10 kgs and that makes me smile so hard. I am not hungry just find my head telling me to eat but no necessarily wanting food... its a big head twist isn't it.... but I'm good back to Dietian on monday and hopefully they will let me attempt mush by the end of this coming week.

Got a bit of pain today after driving when the port is... think I have to get used to sitting up instead of lying down position... but nothing too niggly.. was a huge relief to be home to the kids, do some shopping last night and cook the family dinner and be ok... me and the kids had a slumber party in the lounge last night, I could tell they were a little concerned about me and to be honest this Op has taken its toll on my whole family... I've never seen my parents so worried about me or the kids...

anyways heres to a nice friday, hopefully no more of those damaging storms here in brisbane, low blood pressure, good recovery and nice journey into this new phase of my life...

I survived!!

I am home... just a quick post to let everyone know that I am ok...

thanks to everyone for the support in the lead up to my op... things went well. Arrived at the hospital at 6am was taken through to admission... Got dressed into gown and before I know it I was wheeled into Surgery... I was talking 1 minute and the next minute I woke up... Felt a bit of nausea but nurses got that under control and I was transferred to the ward within half and hour... spent the day/night just dosing... light pains in my shoulder and stomach when I move but nothing too out of control... was up and going to the toilet by lunch time yesterday.... so am home now... spending a few days at my parents with my lil girl so that I can rest up and be looked after... Felt a bit of the post Op blues this morning which I've heard is common... but doing better now that I am home...

keep you posted on my progress...

I'm scared!!!

So the OP is like tomorrow!!! freaking right out.... was a bit of a restless sleep last night.... was doing ok then a story about the lap ban came on current affair with this dietitian talking about all the bad things about the band and that research has shown that people gain more weight in the end after having lost some with the band... I wonder wether I am doing the right thing or if I should just continue on my healthy eating path... I have been fat, big, pluss size forever it feels... I am tormented by my weight...

I am also scared about PBing... about if I can stick to healthy eating and all that.... I have never done dieting well... never... so why will I with a lapband?

all my fears have reared... I am not taking this decision lightly I have had 12mths to get to tomorrow... but still feel a little scared!

counting down the days!!

Ok so I had another mtg with my boss today and it went pretty well.. enough that i wasn't about to jump the table and swear all my ramblings at him like last week anyway...

am feeling better today... virus slowly going, stomach feeling bit better and only 3 days till the OP.... fingers crossed that all goes well and that I come home feeling ok...

the journey to slimming is going to begin soon... yay!!

work,, stress,, life.. the band

so yesterday I went back to work for the first time in a fortnight.... I don't think that I mentioned before that I went to Perth not only for my brother's wedding but because my brother is terminally ill... I have been having a hard time dealing with this fact too so decided while I was over there that I would stay on a few extra days and didn't return to work on the Wednesday as I had originally informed my work I would. I did contact them on the Monday before to advise why I wasn't coming back and to see if they could find a replacement to attend the training that I was organised to attend... all which was ok at the time... I asked them to ring if there was any problem and I would have come home earlier... no call.... so I came home on friday and then saturday came down with shocking stomach virus... no jokes... still feeling sick today nearly a week on... but I went into work yesterday (an additional day to what I normally work) and wasn't feeling great still but I thought I should make the effort so I did... all was ok till my manager wanted to have a cross over.... during which time he decided to tell me that it wasn't ok that I stayed on in Perth and that he was concerned with my leave... it was at this time that I started to feel cramps, sick and angry... I was angry because he didn't contact me and tell me it wasn't ok to stay on in Perth, I am angry also because I wasn't feeling great yet here I was at work listening to him telling me that Its not cool that I've been sick...

I have to be honest and say that in the last 2 years I have had more leave than anyone else in our office. In saying that I must also add that I've had some pretty significant issues going on that have added to this leave including my gran passing, going through extensive custody battle of my partners children including their mother taking them from us for several weeks and trying to get the courts and police to recover them, my daughter being sick with several viruses when she was under 2, my partner going to Hospital for golden staf infection, my mother being sick with bi polar and having to stay with me and me having to help her through getting treatment, my brother being ill and then theres me... I pick up every virus, flu, tonsilitis etc. I believe that my weight has something to do with that but for a long time my doctor thought I had a thyroid problem.... anyway this is one of the reasons that I want the band... to try and reduce illness...

I know that I am sick all the time... I know that I've had alot of family problems outside of work that are impacting on me attending work... but I don't know how to change that.. I have started to see a social worker through work... she was really supportive and said that I should keep just doing what I can because I have extraordinary issues and I am doing the best I can right now... thats how I feel too...

So I cut back my hours at work to 3 days to relieve some of the pressure... mind you its taken them 3 months to replace the other 2 days work that I do with someone so i've still been doing 5 days in the 3 days that I'm there which has been full on...

that pissed me off when my manager made a comment that things have gotten behind because I haven' tbeen here... fark.... of course they have cause I only work 3 days now...

I am angry. upset. devestated... sad.. I truly am doing my dream job... to an extent one that I created for myself... I just don't know how to address the problems in my life and work.

I have to say that I understand where my work is coming from... they want results results results... but in terms of committment and results I have pulled off 3 big events, had positive media coverage, worked alot of overtime and not been paid for it, done work from home, taken calls from them on my days off and not been paid for it... I have contributed to my work significantly but all they see is how much leave I've had.

I am unsure how to proceed from here... mind you I utterly embarrassed myself yesterday by telling my boss how I was 'actually' feeling... I told him that I felt that over the past 2 years I was constantly being attacked about my leave, that I felt that I had contributed alot but knew that I had alot of leave, that I was an absolute team player and never complained about doing work from home or working additional hours for no pay and proceeded to get so upset that I just cried through it all... personally I just wanted to tell him to go fuck himself,,, fuck off out of my face but knew that wouldn't get me anywhere...

I still don't know how to address the issue to be honest...

anyway thats my spiel for the day...

I'm supposed to be on the shakes but I'm still on the water!!

Hey hey peoples.... I'm bak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

feels like I haven't had a chance to blog in like weeks when Its been like 1 week I guess... So I went to Perth and my brother got married... so glad to be back in sunny Qld though... I love Brisbane... love it...

got back at 7am friday and had my appointment with Dr Carmody at the Mater Private at 9.30am... picked up my car up and headed straight to my appointment with a tired 2 year old.... I didn't have time to take MarMar home so she was with me and in fine form... She played up the whole time in the sitting room, in my consultation... to which Dr Carmody was fully accommodating because he also has kids but I was just over tired from my flight and over whelmed from MarMar that I didn't ask all the questions that I wanted to. He gave me a good run through of what to expect of his service though and I am glad that I decided to finally go with the Mater. They have great follow up and support and are there through the whole journey with you to help you reach your goals. He was honest about the fact that some patients don't loose any weight but that alot do,.

I felt good with him and am at this stage still going ahead with the surgery next week.

My deliema though is that Saturday I came down with a horrid stomach virus... Like I haven't been to the toilet so many times in my life... I finally got that to settle Monday avo and then the cramps haven't stopped... I've been to the doctor. there's not much more they can give me I just have to rest and ride it out.. I've had water after water after water... last night I had a piece of fish purely to get something into me... it was delicious and more than enough and didn't upset my stomach and this morning I had 2 pieces of toast and a cuppa... I have been eating dry salada crackers on and off too.. I am supposed to be on optifast stage but because I am super dehydrated I had to eat bits here and there to get my energy up and rehydrate... I tell you the hydralyte shit sucks...

anyways getting over it slowly and hope to be alright by tomorrow... last night was the first nite since before I left for Perth that I had a full nights rest... and I wasn't up and down with pain all night. I rang mum and my bro and they both have the same thing as me so I think we picked it up travelling home from Perth actually... though MarMar hasn't got it yet touch wood and she was with us... I told mum that the cramps felt like I was in labour... seriously they were that bad... she agreed... said she felt the same.... honestly I've had bugs before but this time its been lethal... anyways thats what has led me to reconsider my surgery date for next week... given that I ain't feeling tops and that I have had time off this week from work I am wondering wether I should push the surgery back a week or two.... my doctor said not to worry and I should be over it by then... but my main concern is that I have had to eat when I am supposed to be on opti at the moment... and to be honest now I am getting a little better I feel like a big steak meal and heaps of steamed vegies... mmm cause I feel like I am an empty shell...

oh well... we'll see...
maybe I am supposed to feel absolute shite anyway in this stage... so should just get over it and go with it now since I already feel like this :)???

going to have a weight watchers minestrone soup to fill me up instead.... not quiet a steak and not quiet optifast but a pretty good trade off I reckon...

did I mention that I appreciate all the advice and support I've been getting too... can't wait to hear about Zena and her sister's op tomorrow.... hope all goes well....

I am freaking a little bit about the Op to be honest... just a little.... but reading everyone else's blogs convinces me that its going to be ok...

appointments, drs and the date!

So its been a few days.... I have been out bush for work.... while it was relaxing it was also long... jam packed days that seemed to roll into eachother...

returned home on friday night and my mum arrived from mt isa... she was heading to Perth on sunday for my older brother's wedding.... I am heading this thursday and staying till monday...

I have been feeling really good. Eating well up until yesterday... kids had a student free day and asked to have mcdonalds... haven't had that crap for ages so agreed and really regretted the big mac for several hours after.... that stuff just doesn't process through your body very well...
I could tell anyway... I am learning to listen to my body now and I think lesson learnt is just not to go to the fast food chains wherever it can be avoided...

anyway this morning I got up and cooked a nice breakfast of eggs and baked beans... tasted delicious and I will be quite full till lunch time... gotta get ready for work...

In relation to the band.... Wow its really not far away... I can't believe that I have waited 12 months for this... Its like 3 weeks away :)

I have my specialist appointment on the 31st and also dietians appt... I start Opti that day and the op is on the 13 November. A friend reminded me last week that I will be on the liquid/mush phase over xmas... but I don't give a ratz azz... Its always too hot at xmas to enjoy a big feed anyway so I'm ok with not having my usual binge... hopefully we will be out and about swimming somewhere anyway...

Saw some really horrible pictures of myself taken last week while we were away posted on a friends facebook... I was temporarily considering asking her to remove them but they are group shots... I then thought no... that is a testimate to how I look NOW.... I am that big. But I won't be for much longer. So they can stay there. I will have something to look back at 12mths from now and feel good about :)

there is always a positive in everything, you just have to find it!

I'm Smiling :):):)

So I am pretty happy today!! Got on the scales and have lost another 2 kgs.... without much exercise in the past 2 weeks mind you.... It has made my day... I have started on these mashumi vitamins that a friend of mine recommended they are supposed to boost your energy and speed up your matabolism.... So I gave em a try and yesterday I actually noticed that I was feeling alot more energetic. On the weekend I didn't have my usual cat naps either and was full of beans when I got home last night. Got up at 6am today. Baked some pinwheel treats for my staff meeting (we have a little comp going), dyed my hair, got the kids bathed, fed and lunches ready and am about to move myself to get ready... within an hour and half thats pretty good I reckon... I normally leave home about 8.15am drop big kids at school and my baby at daycare... get to work at 9.30am and work till 5.30pm....

anyways... I have been taking those tablets and having the gym shakes for brekky to sort of prepare me for the optifast stage in a month... if I drop a few kgs before then I don't mind either.

My personal frame of mind is a hell of a lot better this week too... I am feeling Great!!!

I am heading away tomorrow to a conference for 2 days out bush... will be nice to get out of the city for a few days even if it is for work.... I am taking a few young people (all over 18) with me so its kind of a road trip.... can't wait...

well have a fabulous day everyone, I know I will be....

am I going CRAZY!!

Ok so I am writing this out of pure need to share my thoughts and get everything off my chest. Yesterday I was at work and all of a sudden was overcome by nausea and got up and had to walk it off... after about 2 hours I decided that I just wasn't feeling well and went home... I got on the train... quite crowded at 4pm and as normal proceeded to play my ipod and be absorbed by my mag... though i started to notice a woman who regularly gets on the train abusing other riders... this woman has some mental disorder and I think everyone who gets on the ipswich line has come across her and of course no one is ever rude to her, but she was doing her block... my mother has bipolar and recently we had a bit of an upset with her and I have been quite stressed since. When this woman kept going and going yesterday I just felt overwhelmed... like the carriage closed in on me... I got off at my station - just... felt sick in the guts...

went to a friends and thought I was having an asthma attack... after it settled i drove home and then it came on again... or maybe I was still stressing and just stressed myself out about how I was feeling... anyway I tried to get into my normal doctors and they were booked out so I went to a local one near home. I immediately thought the doctor looked dodgy (thats another story) and he immediately said you had a panic attack, I can't help you, you've got problems in the head... has this or that happened to you blah blah... I was like I paid you $60 to tell me fuck all... I was like check my vitals, what sypmtoms do I have to have that?? he was no help... he did prescribe me on some anti-depressants though and suggested I come back in 2 weeks...

I had a horrible night... came home and proceeded to ring my friend and cry my eyes out...

I mean that made me more upset... Although we have a history of mental illness in my family I DONT WANT TO BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM IT.... i've seen with my mums experience in particular how hard it is... I pray that thats not what I am going through....

I have felt varied levels of depression for sometime now though and I think it may have stemmed back to when I was pregnant... I remembered trying to get help from the hospital during my pregnancy saying that I felt depressed like something was wrong with me...

Anyway so today I went back to my normal, kindhearted doctor... she made me feel heaps better... turns out she thinks that I may have some sort of reflux situation that makes me feel upset in the stomach (which has been happening for the past week or so) and that because of that I feel other sypmtoms and that I just got a bit panicy because of all of it at once...

Did I mention that at the time I felt off at work that the aircon was playing up and it was stuffy and that I also was reading about that qantas disaster shit... I have to fly in 2 weeks to WA so ok it freaked me out alot...

so my doctor gave me some tablets for the reflux and after I took 1 I felt a little better... I am not moving mountains now but I did notice a slight change. So we'll see how I go... She said she didn't think it was a serious panic attack nor depression etc as I was feeling just fine in the morning. Actually I normally feel great, like I love living and feel blessed with most aspects of my life, I just can't grasp why yesterday happened...

I booked an appointment with a naturopath next week. I want to get as much help as possible to get me through this time. and especially help my fly to WA for my brothers wedding...

On the weight front, had my first take away today... KFC it was great too, only had 6 nuggets, forgoed the chips and soft drink and I was content with that...

anyways has anyone else experienced something like this... please share...
take care....

brand new start

So I had a super long weekend cause I only work 3 days now and had Monday off also... so returning to work today... While I can say I indulged a little at the bbq on sunday for the NRL grandfinal I had a few pork chops (highly unusual as I don't usually eat pork unless its roasted) but these were marinated and delicious... so I had a few... and a few drinks also... aside from that I have been doing well... no more hot chips on the horizon and definately haven't even thought about kfc, mcdonalds or hungry jacks....

I am still getting over the flu/asthma so haven't hit the gym for a week but haven't felt well enough too... will go for a 1/2 hour walk at lunch time today...

still 118kg nothing has moved... but thats ok... I am doing alright and its not long till the Op on November 13th!!!! YAY I can't imagine feeling restricted...

anyways.... thanks to everyone for the advice and support over the past few weeks.... its been so comforting.

Crista*

something short

Well took Mar Mar and her brother to the movies this morning to see Beverley Hills Chuhuahua and it was pretty funny... we also went out to brekky first at the coffee club... had bacon and eggs for the first time in what felt like ages and was so full afterwards that I didn't have lunch... still not hungry and its now 2pm... had nearly a litre of water so far too..

for dinner the kids asked for nachos... haven't made them in ages but thought I would get avacados, tomatoes and lettuce and kinda make it into a nacho/taco mix up... so that its not just chips, cheese and sauce..

got a bad cough today... going to go and try and rest for a bit with my daughter... she has passed on the flu to me... hoping to be better for the big weekend by tomorrow or I may not be going to my netball break up afterall :(

xo

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE SCENERY - CHANGE IT

As best you can, be a maker and shaper of your life. Don't just accept whatever is dished up to you. Don't play the victim.



just read the above on someone else's blog.... seems relevant to me so I want to share it!!

its a new day

So yesterday I felt pretty overwhelmed by the support of my fellow bloggers... I didn't actually think that anyone was reading my blog and about 5mins after I posted it I got a message from Nola which absolutely uplifted me and made my day really... so thank you Nola for taking the time and contributing your thoughts... FGS also dropped in during the day twice actually :) and I appreciate you taking the time.

You both made me feel good about myself and about how I feel and being able to deal with the relationship situation. Some days it just feels ok to be treated like this, others it doesn't. But more and more I realise that I do have standards and why should I be settling for less than the best.. I am going to do as Nola suggested and print out yesterday's blog and show him how I've been feeling.. Maybe he doesn't actually realise...

anyway ladies thanks for the luv and support.....

on another note I met up with a girlfriend yesterday for coffee and she was telling me about this fabulous naturopath that she has been seeing and how she was feeling down, tired, anxiety etc and that the formula that she was given has been really working for her. I am all for alternative medicines so I am going to go and see these people as well... It couldn't hurt. I checked out there website also and it was interesting... if Brisbaneites are reading this you maybe able to visit http://www.vivemarket.com.au/

Food wise still doing good, yesterday I had a shake for breakfast from the gym and I totally had no cravings for food til at least 1pm, like whats in that stuff??? for lunch I had a wholemeal chicken sandwich with onion, 1 cheese and tomato and it was absolutely delicious... actually just the tomatoe, cheese and onion would have been good... might have that today... I drank heaps of water and for a later afternoon snack I had 2 pieces of pizza... ended up forgoing dinner because I didn't feel hungry... was fine as I was..

Got a bad cough today though, have been fighting off the flu for weeks and finally its getting me.. taking vitamin C's and going to give the gym a break this week on the advice of my acupuncturist who told me when I am feeling unwell the best thing I can do is REST...

Got my ladies' nite this friday so hope I can make it and I'm not sick too.. Technically its our net ball break up, then saturday night is my girlfriends birthday party so nibbles and drinks at her place then hitting tha club... told her I doubt I'll make the club, just too much in 2 days and I don't drink much these days, be lucky to recover from friday nite :):) then sunday bbq and drinks at another friends place for the NRL grandfinal... looking forward to that... what a weekend... not sure I will drink on sat or sunday but think both days will be light sipping if I do...

got monday off so will be resting my dot then... :)

just keeps on rolling!!

Yesterday was a good day.... I got alot done at work... Mind you still working 5 days in 3 days time.. but you get that... My eating has started to improve too, yesterday I had 2 toast for b/f, 1 chocolate muffin 1/2 for mt and 1/2 for at, tuna sushi for lunch, 1 litre of water during work hrs, then we had pizza for dinner and I had 3 pieces... normally would have had 5-6 but listened to myself and felt that 3 was enough...

I've spent a few days being depressed over how I look... saw a bad photo of myself and realised how horrible I look.... not a nice feeling to hate the fatness... and I do... I hate leaving my house some days and facing the world... not because of what other people think but because I feel to fat to be in it... A good friend/mentor said to me that I need to feel HUBBA HUBBA about myself... and for a long time I thought that I did... but what I realise now was that was because I had a good support network around me, positive reinforcement that I was actually ok... but now, I've become a mother, I'm busy, tired, overworked and never have time for my friends and family etc and I don't get to hear that positive reinforcement very often... I have to rely on myself to get through the day because my partner isn't very helpful in this department.

He rarely has a positive thing to say to me, in fact he could break a record at complaining if you tested him. He seems to have an inate sense of perfectness about himself, though he wouldn't admit to that and he tries to correct all of my mistakes on a daily basis... I leave the keys down so our toddler gets to them, I wash her bottle out with too much dishwashing liquid, I make her bottles too hot, I fill the kettle up too much, I leave the switches on, I forget my phone or purse, I bought too much food, I took too long at the shops, I am always on the computer, I didn't clean the house well enough, I didn't wash enough clothes, I drive the wrong way... and the list goes on...

I told him last night that it wouldn't matter what I did he would find something to perfect me on.. personally I think he's just goin through his own shit (whatever that might be) and wants me to feel as miserable as he does but the idiot needn't worry - I ALREADY DO!

I sometimes wonder if he is a contributer to my feeling miserable... I just get over him... To say our relationship is in a bad place is an understatement... but at the moment I don't have the confidence or strenght really to do anything about it... I am hoping that when I start to feel better about myself I will sort this relationship situation out....

I read these other blogs though about people having the most wonderful supportive partners and wish that one day mine was... I thought about it last night and realised that when I finally do have the OP he won't be coming with me... and post the OP I probably have to go and stay with a friend to recover.. mostly because I know if I am at home I won't be able to relax and get used to the new me... and changes with my body, because he will expect me to look after my daughter, cook and clean as usual...

but I can't blame him for my worries... my being 'fat' is my drama...

New update

It has been a few days!! This week feels like it has passed at lightening speed... I only work 3 days a week for the next 12mths and I am still doing 5 days work in 3 days at the moment... so I have been a bit scattered at the moment... to top that off I found out Monday that I need to get glasses so thats kinda interesting. Gota go and look at new frames etc today...

So I rang the dietitan and have an appointment next friday, that will be good to get some further advice pre-Op. I also have changed my next apointment with the surgeon till the 30th October because I am heading to Perth the week before now to visit my brother and his family....

I have been doing well on the food front too... bought some more slim shakes from the gym yesterday and am intending these to be breakfast for the next month... I have also been really looking at my portion size and notice now when I've eaten too much... Last night I made a big salad and then we went and bought fish and chips to go with it... only thing was that there was too much fish and chips and we couldn't eat salad after that... felt bad and bit full so next time will forget chips totally and just get the fish...

Friday shenanigans

So yesterday I started off the day really well... I purchased a few of the slim shakes from the gym and was happy that I was able to stomach them better than the optifast and I checked the calories and they are pretty closely on par with Opti. Bit cheaper too I think...

So going to substitute 1 meal a day for the moment.... yesterday I was pretty good. I had the shake for brekky, wasn't hungry again till 11am and then had an apple for lunch I had a chicken and salad wrap that I made at home myself and then for a snack I had a small piece of homemade chocolate cake that I made for the family.... I thought that was a pretty good effort considering I normally would have eaten several pieces at 1 go... Last night my partner and I went out to dinner and drinks with friends.. we just went to the local club but I had a great time... First time I had been out and away from the kids in ages... and well needed.... So I ended up having a roast roll with a few chips and gravy for dinner... I ate half of it and was happy with myself... the meal was way too big anyways... had several jim beam and cokes though and am feeling slightly seedy though but I have to say thats the first time I've had a big drink like that for at least 8 mths... and it was nice to socialise again...

I have stopped going out and doing things with people for a few reasons, 1 being that I just don't like to drink every other weekend and prefer to save it for special occassions... which is hard when most people in your family and social circles are drinkers... and 2 because I think about my weight and health and just don't need to feel like crap after drinking... and 3 what a waste of money...

Anyways... had a great time but that will be the last of my outings for a while... I don't care what people think... I just don't see the value and getting on the charge all the time...

On another note.... I felt really good about myself last night... normally to go out I do the whole make over etc before leaving the house, new clothes, hair done etc... but last night I just chucked on something simple out of the waredrobe and dressed it up with some nice jewls... I straightened my hair and I was off.... I got approached at the club by a man who obviously didn't realise that I was there with my partner... I couldn't believe that someone was trying to chat me up... we then left and went to another local tavern where the music was a bit more interesting... As soon as I walked in this guy came up to me and hit me up straight away for my number... Firstly not interested in either of these guys lets make that point, the 2nd was kinda hot too and maybe in another life I would have considered giving him my number but I just couldn't believe that these guys were looking in my direction... I mean I've been living under a rock for a solid year now not really going out anywhere social.... So it made me feel good about myself for once to have someone else, new and outside of my networks to notice me...

Imagine how good I'm going to feel when I fit into a pair of Levi's 501s..... that is a dream alright...

:)

Look at that fat chick!

Ok so like yesterday I had a bad experience of being stared at or just being overly paranoid... not sure which one...

So has anyone else ever that the experience of sitting on the train and no one will come and sit next to them? like its a packed train and people choose to sit on every other vacant seat except yours??

Yesterday I left work early for once to head to the gym... when i got to the trainstation my train was running late... so there was a million people on my platform... I was listening to my Ipod when I noticed some hard laughing from the right of me... I look over to a group of people 35+ that were staring at me laughing... now I don't know if they were laughing at me but they sure gave me the impression that they were... like was it my hair? was it my gym gear that was funny or was it my weight? or could I just be severely paranoid?

I don't know, I just know how it made me feel to have them staring at me... and I've seen these people before... its not the first time and yes they had stared the last time I saw them...

So there was overcrowding on the train so I waited for the 2nd train to come and got on another train to those people... but when I sat in a 4 seater section someone sat opposite but as usual no one would sit next to me.... Like my ass doesn't even go onto the other side of the seat... but I know that I do look big and maybe that can be a bit off putting...

Anyway I felt pretty shitty by the time I got home and also felt like I was coming down with the flu... had a few flu tablets and hit the sack... had a good sleep and am feeling a bit better today... but it just surprised me though how quickly something like that affected me...

My self confidence has taken alot of knocks lately and I hope if anything that after having the lap ban surgery that I get back feeling hubba hubba about myself...

I know that regardless of how big or small I am I live a pretty active and full life... I have tonnes of friends, could be seen as widely successful in my work, and I get told I look beautiful all the time cause regardless of my size I am an attractive person (apparently)... so why do I still feel so bad about myself...

I crave the day that I can go into Jeans West and buy a pair of jeans... people must feel me on that on... Gabs sent me a message yesterday which was wonderful... she talked about having that experience of being able to just go and buy whatever she wanted... I want that so bad..

So the countdown begins, I know that this is a possibility for me... I will make it happen...

Heading to the gym this morning and looking at a new place to live.... this is going to be a better day :)

Can't do the chocolate shake

So I tried again this morning to have the chocolate shake from Optifast... it tastes like shit... can't do it... so had some fruit for breakfast instead.

I am heading out to lunch with a friend today to Sono in town it is a Japanese resturant.... mmm yum... they have beautiful lunch boxes of a small amount of meal and salad... best terriyaki chicken that I've ever tried... mmm

Then after work I am going to the gym... am looking forward to that...

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just another day in the life of a fat person

So here I am again... didn't blog yesterday cause I felt guilty.... did an hour work out in the morning and felt really good... tried the opti again and it sucked severley... ended up having some fruit and headed to work... when I got to work I was starrrvvviiinnggg!!! I ate my lunch early then at 2pm was craving a chicken burger big time... so off to kfc I went and got one.. along with fries and a drink that I didn't really feel like... Mind you I did well not to polish it all off and barely touched the fries.... I then had a muffin later in the afternoon and when I got home I cooked spagetti bolegneise and had a bowl of that... felt crap by bedtime...

So obvious that I overate...

I feel like the problem is that I had too much options being in town and access to $ and food... think I will try to leave my cards and $ at home so I can only eat what i have...

Today I was a bit better.... had left over spagetti for lunch and a snack of an apple and another muffin... having fish and salad for dinner... so i'm slowly improving... looking forward to the gym tomorrow too....

thanks to Nikki for dropping by my page and showing a sister some luv.... its nice to know that i'm not just ranting and raving and that someone else has read my blog and gets it! :) I think you are a stunning woman and stick with the exercise idea and blogging your way until the op... I feel like keeping the blog is extra special motivation...

Still wish I had the courage to show off my pics... but in my community being of Aboriginal background the grapevine is long and fast at spreading gossip... I would prefer that the gossip ain't about me...

but maybe one day I will feel confident enough to upload some pics for all to see...

So will drop back in tomorrow with updates on the gym.... am going thurs and friday too... these are my days off and rostered gym days!!

Sundy!

So ended up feeling pretty sore on Saturday... Muscles were aching so gave them a rest over the weekend and didn't go back to gym... Am pumped to go tomorrow morning though... before work... I reckon if I just start the week like that I will continue with it.... Yesterday I thought I would open the Optifast and start having a shake as meal replacement here and there to try and get the weight down... unfortunately I thought it tasted like shit and I just couldn't get it down... I have the chocolate ones and to me it tasted like a chocolate cake mix - thick and sweet.... uuulllggghhh... yuk

so will try again tomorrow... have shake for breakfast... like meal for lunch and dinner...

My brother is getting Married in October so I would love to drop a few kilos before then... so thats a goal to work towards...

I have to say I've been pretty good all weekend and contientious about what I am eating.... Today I bought a hot cook and various salad fills and made chicken and salad rolls for the family... was delicious and instead of going for seconds I was content with 1 roll... I was happy about my resistence...

So will keep at it... check my weight again in 2 weeks... not wanting to become obsessed with the scales, am already obsessed with getting a lab ban... :)

I have been thinking more and more about it and am definately not telling people about the surgery.... So this blog is a great way to express what I am thinking.... I just don't want people talking about me... I'm already self concious and don't want people making an issue out of it and watching what I eat etc...

another day in the journey to fitness!

So I am pretty proud of myself today... Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour of cardio and weights. I then unfortunately ruined it by having kfc for lunch... but it was actually like the first time in ages I've had any fast food so I am sort of ok with that.. Didn't feel good afterwards, wished I just had the chicken and salad roll I was going to have...

anyways... last night I played netball aside from the knee being a little sore (but on the mend) it was great to have a little run around... I made a nice dinner of rissoles, mash and vegies but wish I only ate half of the plate when I got home cause I found it had to sleep after that...

This morning I went back to the gym and did a circut class.... it was a good experience to try something new and it gave me a starting point... I am severely unfit.. and I need to work on my stretches.... I haven't stretched since I don't know when... so I guess my short term goal is to start each day with some light stretches... maybe a few squats too... and also to go to the gym 2-3 times a week.... I think thats a good start... If I make it twice a week - good, 3 times thats a great effort I reckon...

So today my weight is 118kg... don't have measurements but will get a tape and start working that out soon too...

feeling good....
just gotta follow through with my committment and continue with it...

Gymmin' it!

So I woke today first time in a week n a few days since i've felt decent... not tired and sore from antibiotics and knee injury.... I gotta get out of the house so am taking Mar Mar (nickname for my daughter) for a walk and then we are going to head off to the gym... yay!

I figure since I am home I should utilise the time to exercise at least and I have been watching what I am eating however the portion sizes are still large (would like to reduce this pre-banding so I am not suffering too much on the Optifast)... anyways... will work my way up to that...

mmm So I recall last time I lost alot of weight that once I got into a regular routine of exercise that I felt better and ate better... so thats generally the goal... I don't want to move mountains... just get into a ROUTINE so that my body is prepared for the workout...

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Wednesday mania!!

So today I feel like changing things up a bit and being colourful... Did I mention that I buggered up my knee when I tripped out of the lift at work last tuesday... I hurt it pretty bad and cut a gash at the front of my knee cap... so the journey of pain began... Went to the doctor who told me to get and xray and come back monday... went back monday and great cut at the front of the knee is infected... thats why i was in pain all weekend... anyhoo.. she said take some antibiotics and come back wednesday to see how you are progressing... so a week since i've been at work... went back to the doctor today, she is away for a week at least with some family emergency... I really like my doctor BUT COMe ON!!! for farrrk sakes!! they couldn't fit me in with someone else apparently because it is a work cover related issue and I need to see someone else tomorrow... bull shit if you ask me... forgot to mention that in between all this.. the antibiotics she gave me made me sick... some kind of freakin allergic reaction to Keflex and I was spinning right out freaking that i was going to vomit or passout all night... so another $20 bucks for more medicine and I've got new stuff... Amoxil... better kill the freaking infection... Its just been one drama after the next...

does anyone else feel like they are a constant walking disaster with one drama or the next happening in their lives... well thats what I am... I have had more time off than anyone at my work... for legitimate reasons me being sick, kids being sick, parent unwell, partner unwell, blah blah blah blah.... I don't not want to be at work... I am farrking over sitting at home... today i paced the house I don't know how many times... emailed everyone, surfed the net, did 5 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen, watched a bit of tv... rang a few friends... bored as batshit...

anyways heres hoping that tomorrow when i hit the doctors surgery that my infection has improved, that they approve my return to work and all will be aOK by monday...

SUCH IS LIFE!!!

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on another note, I rang to check that my appointments are all a goer for the OP on 13 November... Have a pre appointment with Surgeon 2 weeks prior... gotta make and appointment to see the dietian...

am planning on uploading some large pics of my body soon... so that I can see what I have started at...

I think it is great that people have put photos up to share, while I will do that Im not keen on showing my face as I am not promoting widely that I am having the band surgery... too much criticism when I have mentioned it...

I also really love reading other peoples profiles... have taken so much useful information from other peoples sites... also think that its great to have goals etc to work towards... will have to start thinking of what some realistic goals are for myself...

To be honest all that is on my mind is loose weight.... get to 75... I also have a pretty hot pink dress that I wore when I was about 82 kg that is smoking... so will add a pic of that... wearing that will definately be a goal... :)

Hypnotic!!

So tonight I tuned into A current affair and saw a section on Hypnotising people to loose weight... I don't know about you out there but I have tried this before and while I can't say if it did or didn't have any affect on me I am still fat... I know that it definately planted a seed within me though to eat health and loose weight... but not sure I want to pay $100 a pop for a 50min session to be reminded to eat well... which is not covered by my private health fund either mind you..



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on another note today I went shopping and bought a new shaker cup... I have already stocked up on Optifast in preparation for my OP in November... have been reading up on yahoo blogs about Gall Bladder removal... have to say it freaked me out a bit... like getting the ban is big enough without having something else removed... wow... but seems there are high numbers of banders who have had proplems with gall bladder after a few years.... wonder if there are any other problems..



anyhoo... can't focus too much on what goes on with everyone else gotta keep my eye on my own health and targets...

a new beginning!!

29 year old Fatty.... been big all my life... I have only once gotten my weight down to 82 kg and was quite content at that... but as usual my weight fluctuated and after having my daughter 2 years ago I have since balloned from 90kg to 120kg....My desire to be thin is strong... I am being banned in November on the 13th... I have waited 1 year to have the op... signed up for private health cover 1omths ago so that I could have this surgery... I know of 2 friends from work who've had the surgery with success...Interestingly enough I have googled and searched the net thoroughly over the last 12mths and found that there were very little actual personal stories about the journey to being banned... and life afterwards... that is until I stumbled across a blog by Lap Ban Girl... I read her blog from beginning to end and she inspired me greatly to begin my own blog... Since reading LBGs page I found many others and found the stories so interesting and that I could relate to so much... not only have I been inspired by the personal blogs but they have taken away alot of my fears about the surgery... and hopefully my journey to banding will inspire others too...I wanted to set this blog up to document for myself the journey to and after the ban and so that I have a little something to remind me of my achievements...please stick with me... there are 2 months till my op date... till then I'll be reading up on others blogs and hopefully soaking up as much info from others that I can...am particularly keen to know about excess skin...anyhoo... Its sunday... having a lite bbq this afternoon for fathers day... While I am not trying to stuff myself silly prior to the OP I hope to enjoy a good piece of steak...xo