Yesterday was a good day.... I got alot done at work... Mind you still working 5 days in 3 days time.. but you get that... My eating has started to improve too, yesterday I had 2 toast for b/f, 1 chocolate muffin 1/2 for mt and 1/2 for at, tuna sushi for lunch, 1 litre of water during work hrs, then we had pizza for dinner and I had 3 pieces... normally would have had 5-6 but listened to myself and felt that 3 was enough...
I've spent a few days being depressed over how I look... saw a bad photo of myself and realised how horrible I look.... not a nice feeling to hate the fatness... and I do... I hate leaving my house some days and facing the world... not because of what other people think but because I feel to fat to be in it... A good friend/mentor said to me that I need to feel HUBBA HUBBA about myself... and for a long time I thought that I did... but what I realise now was that was because I had a good support network around me, positive reinforcement that I was actually ok... but now, I've become a mother, I'm busy, tired, overworked and never have time for my friends and family etc and I don't get to hear that positive reinforcement very often... I have to rely on myself to get through the day because my partner isn't very helpful in this department.
He rarely has a positive thing to say to me, in fact he could break a record at complaining if you tested him. He seems to have an inate sense of perfectness about himself, though he wouldn't admit to that and he tries to correct all of my mistakes on a daily basis... I leave the keys down so our toddler gets to them, I wash her bottle out with too much dishwashing liquid, I make her bottles too hot, I fill the kettle up too much, I leave the switches on, I forget my phone or purse, I bought too much food, I took too long at the shops, I am always on the computer, I didn't clean the house well enough, I didn't wash enough clothes, I drive the wrong way... and the list goes on...
I told him last night that it wouldn't matter what I did he would find something to perfect me on.. personally I think he's just goin through his own shit (whatever that might be) and wants me to feel as miserable as he does but the idiot needn't worry - I ALREADY DO!
I sometimes wonder if he is a contributer to my feeling miserable... I just get over him... To say our relationship is in a bad place is an understatement... but at the moment I don't have the confidence or strenght really to do anything about it... I am hoping that when I start to feel better about myself I will sort this relationship situation out....
I read these other blogs though about people having the most wonderful supportive partners and wish that one day mine was... I thought about it last night and realised that when I finally do have the OP he won't be coming with me... and post the OP I probably have to go and stay with a friend to recover.. mostly because I know if I am at home I won't be able to relax and get used to the new me... and changes with my body, because he will expect me to look after my daughter, cook and clean as usual...
but I can't blame him for my worries... my being 'fat' is my drama...
5 comments:
Sounds to me like that husband of yours has a few issues of his own to deal with! You know, I put off so much stuff in my life thinking...."I will do that when I lose weight" or "I will deal with this shit differently once I lose weight". As far as relationships go.....there is probably no time like the present. You need to get it out there and tell him how you feel and if he doesn't like it....fark off!!!! He married "you" and not you measurements. See how you go telling him how you feel....can't get any worse, can it? Even sit him down one night and print out this post and give it to him to read. Say, "This is how I feel. It takes two to tango. Can we start to fix our feelings and be kinder and more considerate to each other? I need your support...I am unhappy."
Anyway, I know it isn't easy and I also know, either way, things will be OK. Don't worry, my husband can be an insensitive pig at times too!!! But I have learnt not to just be quiet and let it pass....I tell him how it affected me and usually he is very apologetic. Anyway, I am thinking of you and hope you feel better today:)
thanks Nola... wow didn't think anyone was reading my blog... you just made my day... and you are right... I need to address the issues, maybe sooner rather than later...
He, he... there is always someone lurking I think!! I clicked on your name from a comment you made somewhere I think. I have put you in my favourites so we can check up on each other when we get banded!!
Crista!
I am so, so sorry that you have to go through all this bullshit. Like being overweight and going through the emotional crap of the surgery is not enough - you have to deal with someone elses 'baggage'
I completely agree with Nola - there is no time like the present -perhaps the surgery is gonna be a complete life overhaul for you? but I guess having a little one involved makes it that bit harder...
Well.. I am cheering for you whatever you decide to do... feel free to email me anytime you need to 'vent'...
L xo
GGRRR... I just read your post again and I am soooo pissed off. No one... whether they are fat, or thin - or WHATEVER - deserves to be treated like that...
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