Look at that fat chick!

Ok so like yesterday I had a bad experience of being stared at or just being overly paranoid... not sure which one...

So has anyone else ever that the experience of sitting on the train and no one will come and sit next to them? like its a packed train and people choose to sit on every other vacant seat except yours??

Yesterday I left work early for once to head to the gym... when i got to the trainstation my train was running late... so there was a million people on my platform... I was listening to my Ipod when I noticed some hard laughing from the right of me... I look over to a group of people 35+ that were staring at me laughing... now I don't know if they were laughing at me but they sure gave me the impression that they were... like was it my hair? was it my gym gear that was funny or was it my weight? or could I just be severely paranoid?

I don't know, I just know how it made me feel to have them staring at me... and I've seen these people before... its not the first time and yes they had stared the last time I saw them...

So there was overcrowding on the train so I waited for the 2nd train to come and got on another train to those people... but when I sat in a 4 seater section someone sat opposite but as usual no one would sit next to me.... Like my ass doesn't even go onto the other side of the seat... but I know that I do look big and maybe that can be a bit off putting...

Anyway I felt pretty shitty by the time I got home and also felt like I was coming down with the flu... had a few flu tablets and hit the sack... had a good sleep and am feeling a bit better today... but it just surprised me though how quickly something like that affected me...

My self confidence has taken alot of knocks lately and I hope if anything that after having the lap ban surgery that I get back feeling hubba hubba about myself...

I know that regardless of how big or small I am I live a pretty active and full life... I have tonnes of friends, could be seen as widely successful in my work, and I get told I look beautiful all the time cause regardless of my size I am an attractive person (apparently)... so why do I still feel so bad about myself...

I crave the day that I can go into Jeans West and buy a pair of jeans... people must feel me on that on... Gabs sent me a message yesterday which was wonderful... she talked about having that experience of being able to just go and buy whatever she wanted... I want that so bad..

So the countdown begins, I know that this is a possibility for me... I will make it happen...

Heading to the gym this morning and looking at a new place to live.... this is going to be a better day :)