just keeps on rolling!!

Yesterday was a good day.... I got alot done at work... Mind you still working 5 days in 3 days time.. but you get that... My eating has started to improve too, yesterday I had 2 toast for b/f, 1 chocolate muffin 1/2 for mt and 1/2 for at, tuna sushi for lunch, 1 litre of water during work hrs, then we had pizza for dinner and I had 3 pieces... normally would have had 5-6 but listened to myself and felt that 3 was enough...

I've spent a few days being depressed over how I look... saw a bad photo of myself and realised how horrible I look.... not a nice feeling to hate the fatness... and I do... I hate leaving my house some days and facing the world... not because of what other people think but because I feel to fat to be in it... A good friend/mentor said to me that I need to feel HUBBA HUBBA about myself... and for a long time I thought that I did... but what I realise now was that was because I had a good support network around me, positive reinforcement that I was actually ok... but now, I've become a mother, I'm busy, tired, overworked and never have time for my friends and family etc and I don't get to hear that positive reinforcement very often... I have to rely on myself to get through the day because my partner isn't very helpful in this department.

He rarely has a positive thing to say to me, in fact he could break a record at complaining if you tested him. He seems to have an inate sense of perfectness about himself, though he wouldn't admit to that and he tries to correct all of my mistakes on a daily basis... I leave the keys down so our toddler gets to them, I wash her bottle out with too much dishwashing liquid, I make her bottles too hot, I fill the kettle up too much, I leave the switches on, I forget my phone or purse, I bought too much food, I took too long at the shops, I am always on the computer, I didn't clean the house well enough, I didn't wash enough clothes, I drive the wrong way... and the list goes on...

I told him last night that it wouldn't matter what I did he would find something to perfect me on.. personally I think he's just goin through his own shit (whatever that might be) and wants me to feel as miserable as he does but the idiot needn't worry - I ALREADY DO!

I sometimes wonder if he is a contributer to my feeling miserable... I just get over him... To say our relationship is in a bad place is an understatement... but at the moment I don't have the confidence or strenght really to do anything about it... I am hoping that when I start to feel better about myself I will sort this relationship situation out....

I read these other blogs though about people having the most wonderful supportive partners and wish that one day mine was... I thought about it last night and realised that when I finally do have the OP he won't be coming with me... and post the OP I probably have to go and stay with a friend to recover.. mostly because I know if I am at home I won't be able to relax and get used to the new me... and changes with my body, because he will expect me to look after my daughter, cook and clean as usual...

but I can't blame him for my worries... my being 'fat' is my drama...

New update

It has been a few days!! This week feels like it has passed at lightening speed... I only work 3 days a week for the next 12mths and I am still doing 5 days work in 3 days at the moment... so I have been a bit scattered at the moment... to top that off I found out Monday that I need to get glasses so thats kinda interesting. Gota go and look at new frames etc today...

So I rang the dietitan and have an appointment next friday, that will be good to get some further advice pre-Op. I also have changed my next apointment with the surgeon till the 30th October because I am heading to Perth the week before now to visit my brother and his family....

I have been doing well on the food front too... bought some more slim shakes from the gym yesterday and am intending these to be breakfast for the next month... I have also been really looking at my portion size and notice now when I've eaten too much... Last night I made a big salad and then we went and bought fish and chips to go with it... only thing was that there was too much fish and chips and we couldn't eat salad after that... felt bad and bit full so next time will forget chips totally and just get the fish...

Friday shenanigans

So yesterday I started off the day really well... I purchased a few of the slim shakes from the gym and was happy that I was able to stomach them better than the optifast and I checked the calories and they are pretty closely on par with Opti. Bit cheaper too I think...

So going to substitute 1 meal a day for the moment.... yesterday I was pretty good. I had the shake for brekky, wasn't hungry again till 11am and then had an apple for lunch I had a chicken and salad wrap that I made at home myself and then for a snack I had a small piece of homemade chocolate cake that I made for the family.... I thought that was a pretty good effort considering I normally would have eaten several pieces at 1 go... Last night my partner and I went out to dinner and drinks with friends.. we just went to the local club but I had a great time... First time I had been out and away from the kids in ages... and well needed.... So I ended up having a roast roll with a few chips and gravy for dinner... I ate half of it and was happy with myself... the meal was way too big anyways... had several jim beam and cokes though and am feeling slightly seedy though but I have to say thats the first time I've had a big drink like that for at least 8 mths... and it was nice to socialise again...

I have stopped going out and doing things with people for a few reasons, 1 being that I just don't like to drink every other weekend and prefer to save it for special occassions... which is hard when most people in your family and social circles are drinkers... and 2 because I think about my weight and health and just don't need to feel like crap after drinking... and 3 what a waste of money...

Anyways... had a great time but that will be the last of my outings for a while... I don't care what people think... I just don't see the value and getting on the charge all the time...

On another note.... I felt really good about myself last night... normally to go out I do the whole make over etc before leaving the house, new clothes, hair done etc... but last night I just chucked on something simple out of the waredrobe and dressed it up with some nice jewls... I straightened my hair and I was off.... I got approached at the club by a man who obviously didn't realise that I was there with my partner... I couldn't believe that someone was trying to chat me up... we then left and went to another local tavern where the music was a bit more interesting... As soon as I walked in this guy came up to me and hit me up straight away for my number... Firstly not interested in either of these guys lets make that point, the 2nd was kinda hot too and maybe in another life I would have considered giving him my number but I just couldn't believe that these guys were looking in my direction... I mean I've been living under a rock for a solid year now not really going out anywhere social.... So it made me feel good about myself for once to have someone else, new and outside of my networks to notice me...

Imagine how good I'm going to feel when I fit into a pair of Levi's 501s..... that is a dream alright...

:)

Look at that fat chick!

Ok so like yesterday I had a bad experience of being stared at or just being overly paranoid... not sure which one...

So has anyone else ever that the experience of sitting on the train and no one will come and sit next to them? like its a packed train and people choose to sit on every other vacant seat except yours??

Yesterday I left work early for once to head to the gym... when i got to the trainstation my train was running late... so there was a million people on my platform... I was listening to my Ipod when I noticed some hard laughing from the right of me... I look over to a group of people 35+ that were staring at me laughing... now I don't know if they were laughing at me but they sure gave me the impression that they were... like was it my hair? was it my gym gear that was funny or was it my weight? or could I just be severely paranoid?

I don't know, I just know how it made me feel to have them staring at me... and I've seen these people before... its not the first time and yes they had stared the last time I saw them...

So there was overcrowding on the train so I waited for the 2nd train to come and got on another train to those people... but when I sat in a 4 seater section someone sat opposite but as usual no one would sit next to me.... Like my ass doesn't even go onto the other side of the seat... but I know that I do look big and maybe that can be a bit off putting...

Anyway I felt pretty shitty by the time I got home and also felt like I was coming down with the flu... had a few flu tablets and hit the sack... had a good sleep and am feeling a bit better today... but it just surprised me though how quickly something like that affected me...

My self confidence has taken alot of knocks lately and I hope if anything that after having the lap ban surgery that I get back feeling hubba hubba about myself...

I know that regardless of how big or small I am I live a pretty active and full life... I have tonnes of friends, could be seen as widely successful in my work, and I get told I look beautiful all the time cause regardless of my size I am an attractive person (apparently)... so why do I still feel so bad about myself...

I crave the day that I can go into Jeans West and buy a pair of jeans... people must feel me on that on... Gabs sent me a message yesterday which was wonderful... she talked about having that experience of being able to just go and buy whatever she wanted... I want that so bad..

So the countdown begins, I know that this is a possibility for me... I will make it happen...

Heading to the gym this morning and looking at a new place to live.... this is going to be a better day :)

Can't do the chocolate shake

So I tried again this morning to have the chocolate shake from Optifast... it tastes like shit... can't do it... so had some fruit for breakfast instead.

I am heading out to lunch with a friend today to Sono in town it is a Japanese resturant.... mmm yum... they have beautiful lunch boxes of a small amount of meal and salad... best terriyaki chicken that I've ever tried... mmm

Then after work I am going to the gym... am looking forward to that...

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just another day in the life of a fat person

So here I am again... didn't blog yesterday cause I felt guilty.... did an hour work out in the morning and felt really good... tried the opti again and it sucked severley... ended up having some fruit and headed to work... when I got to work I was starrrvvviiinnggg!!! I ate my lunch early then at 2pm was craving a chicken burger big time... so off to kfc I went and got one.. along with fries and a drink that I didn't really feel like... Mind you I did well not to polish it all off and barely touched the fries.... I then had a muffin later in the afternoon and when I got home I cooked spagetti bolegneise and had a bowl of that... felt crap by bedtime...

So obvious that I overate...

I feel like the problem is that I had too much options being in town and access to $ and food... think I will try to leave my cards and $ at home so I can only eat what i have...

Today I was a bit better.... had left over spagetti for lunch and a snack of an apple and another muffin... having fish and salad for dinner... so i'm slowly improving... looking forward to the gym tomorrow too....

thanks to Nikki for dropping by my page and showing a sister some luv.... its nice to know that i'm not just ranting and raving and that someone else has read my blog and gets it! :) I think you are a stunning woman and stick with the exercise idea and blogging your way until the op... I feel like keeping the blog is extra special motivation...

Still wish I had the courage to show off my pics... but in my community being of Aboriginal background the grapevine is long and fast at spreading gossip... I would prefer that the gossip ain't about me...

but maybe one day I will feel confident enough to upload some pics for all to see...

So will drop back in tomorrow with updates on the gym.... am going thurs and friday too... these are my days off and rostered gym days!!

Sundy!

So ended up feeling pretty sore on Saturday... Muscles were aching so gave them a rest over the weekend and didn't go back to gym... Am pumped to go tomorrow morning though... before work... I reckon if I just start the week like that I will continue with it.... Yesterday I thought I would open the Optifast and start having a shake as meal replacement here and there to try and get the weight down... unfortunately I thought it tasted like shit and I just couldn't get it down... I have the chocolate ones and to me it tasted like a chocolate cake mix - thick and sweet.... uuulllggghhh... yuk

so will try again tomorrow... have shake for breakfast... like meal for lunch and dinner...

My brother is getting Married in October so I would love to drop a few kilos before then... so thats a goal to work towards...

I have to say I've been pretty good all weekend and contientious about what I am eating.... Today I bought a hot cook and various salad fills and made chicken and salad rolls for the family... was delicious and instead of going for seconds I was content with 1 roll... I was happy about my resistence...

So will keep at it... check my weight again in 2 weeks... not wanting to become obsessed with the scales, am already obsessed with getting a lab ban... :)

I have been thinking more and more about it and am definately not telling people about the surgery.... So this blog is a great way to express what I am thinking.... I just don't want people talking about me... I'm already self concious and don't want people making an issue out of it and watching what I eat etc...

another day in the journey to fitness!

So I am pretty proud of myself today... Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour of cardio and weights. I then unfortunately ruined it by having kfc for lunch... but it was actually like the first time in ages I've had any fast food so I am sort of ok with that.. Didn't feel good afterwards, wished I just had the chicken and salad roll I was going to have...

anyways... last night I played netball aside from the knee being a little sore (but on the mend) it was great to have a little run around... I made a nice dinner of rissoles, mash and vegies but wish I only ate half of the plate when I got home cause I found it had to sleep after that...

This morning I went back to the gym and did a circut class.... it was a good experience to try something new and it gave me a starting point... I am severely unfit.. and I need to work on my stretches.... I haven't stretched since I don't know when... so I guess my short term goal is to start each day with some light stretches... maybe a few squats too... and also to go to the gym 2-3 times a week.... I think thats a good start... If I make it twice a week - good, 3 times thats a great effort I reckon...

So today my weight is 118kg... don't have measurements but will get a tape and start working that out soon too...

feeling good....
just gotta follow through with my committment and continue with it...

Gymmin' it!

So I woke today first time in a week n a few days since i've felt decent... not tired and sore from antibiotics and knee injury.... I gotta get out of the house so am taking Mar Mar (nickname for my daughter) for a walk and then we are going to head off to the gym... yay!

I figure since I am home I should utilise the time to exercise at least and I have been watching what I am eating however the portion sizes are still large (would like to reduce this pre-banding so I am not suffering too much on the Optifast)... anyways... will work my way up to that...

mmm So I recall last time I lost alot of weight that once I got into a regular routine of exercise that I felt better and ate better... so thats generally the goal... I don't want to move mountains... just get into a ROUTINE so that my body is prepared for the workout...

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Wednesday mania!!

So today I feel like changing things up a bit and being colourful... Did I mention that I buggered up my knee when I tripped out of the lift at work last tuesday... I hurt it pretty bad and cut a gash at the front of my knee cap... so the journey of pain began... Went to the doctor who told me to get and xray and come back monday... went back monday and great cut at the front of the knee is infected... thats why i was in pain all weekend... anyhoo.. she said take some antibiotics and come back wednesday to see how you are progressing... so a week since i've been at work... went back to the doctor today, she is away for a week at least with some family emergency... I really like my doctor BUT COMe ON!!! for farrrk sakes!! they couldn't fit me in with someone else apparently because it is a work cover related issue and I need to see someone else tomorrow... bull shit if you ask me... forgot to mention that in between all this.. the antibiotics she gave me made me sick... some kind of freakin allergic reaction to Keflex and I was spinning right out freaking that i was going to vomit or passout all night... so another $20 bucks for more medicine and I've got new stuff... Amoxil... better kill the freaking infection... Its just been one drama after the next...

does anyone else feel like they are a constant walking disaster with one drama or the next happening in their lives... well thats what I am... I have had more time off than anyone at my work... for legitimate reasons me being sick, kids being sick, parent unwell, partner unwell, blah blah blah blah.... I don't not want to be at work... I am farrking over sitting at home... today i paced the house I don't know how many times... emailed everyone, surfed the net, did 5 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen, watched a bit of tv... rang a few friends... bored as batshit...

anyways heres hoping that tomorrow when i hit the doctors surgery that my infection has improved, that they approve my return to work and all will be aOK by monday...

SUCH IS LIFE!!!

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on another note, I rang to check that my appointments are all a goer for the OP on 13 November... Have a pre appointment with Surgeon 2 weeks prior... gotta make and appointment to see the dietian...

am planning on uploading some large pics of my body soon... so that I can see what I have started at...

I think it is great that people have put photos up to share, while I will do that Im not keen on showing my face as I am not promoting widely that I am having the band surgery... too much criticism when I have mentioned it...

I also really love reading other peoples profiles... have taken so much useful information from other peoples sites... also think that its great to have goals etc to work towards... will have to start thinking of what some realistic goals are for myself...

To be honest all that is on my mind is loose weight.... get to 75... I also have a pretty hot pink dress that I wore when I was about 82 kg that is smoking... so will add a pic of that... wearing that will definately be a goal... :)

Hypnotic!!

So tonight I tuned into A current affair and saw a section on Hypnotising people to loose weight... I don't know about you out there but I have tried this before and while I can't say if it did or didn't have any affect on me I am still fat... I know that it definately planted a seed within me though to eat health and loose weight... but not sure I want to pay $100 a pop for a 50min session to be reminded to eat well... which is not covered by my private health fund either mind you..



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on another note today I went shopping and bought a new shaker cup... I have already stocked up on Optifast in preparation for my OP in November... have been reading up on yahoo blogs about Gall Bladder removal... have to say it freaked me out a bit... like getting the ban is big enough without having something else removed... wow... but seems there are high numbers of banders who have had proplems with gall bladder after a few years.... wonder if there are any other problems..



anyhoo... can't focus too much on what goes on with everyone else gotta keep my eye on my own health and targets...

a new beginning!!

29 year old Fatty.... been big all my life... I have only once gotten my weight down to 82 kg and was quite content at that... but as usual my weight fluctuated and after having my daughter 2 years ago I have since balloned from 90kg to 120kg....My desire to be thin is strong... I am being banned in November on the 13th... I have waited 1 year to have the op... signed up for private health cover 1omths ago so that I could have this surgery... I know of 2 friends from work who've had the surgery with success...Interestingly enough I have googled and searched the net thoroughly over the last 12mths and found that there were very little actual personal stories about the journey to being banned... and life afterwards... that is until I stumbled across a blog by Lap Ban Girl... I read her blog from beginning to end and she inspired me greatly to begin my own blog... Since reading LBGs page I found many others and found the stories so interesting and that I could relate to so much... not only have I been inspired by the personal blogs but they have taken away alot of my fears about the surgery... and hopefully my journey to banding will inspire others too...I wanted to set this blog up to document for myself the journey to and after the ban and so that I have a little something to remind me of my achievements...please stick with me... there are 2 months till my op date... till then I'll be reading up on others blogs and hopefully soaking up as much info from others that I can...am particularly keen to know about excess skin...anyhoo... Its sunday... having a lite bbq this afternoon for fathers day... While I am not trying to stuff myself silly prior to the OP I hope to enjoy a good piece of steak...xo